Last Day

This seriously feels like the hardest day in my life. Or yesterday, since it's already past midnight. But today is going to be even harder.
Sorry for this post being in English but I honestly can't be bothered to think or write in German. Sorry.
So yesterday was my last day here. In the United States. In MY American World. With my hostfamily. And my friends. In Muskegon, Michigan. Strangest feeling.
I spent the day waking up at noon because I barely got any sleep at night, and the rest of the day I was busy writing goodbye letter to let people know how much they've meant to me this year, bringing my cheer uniform back and selling my prom dress, and driving in the Camero one last time once Mom got back from work.
I hate it. All these 'last times'. They make you think about how many times you've done it and how natural or ordinary it was so you didn't think about it until now, when you do it for the last time. My last dinner with my family. Dad is not exactly an emotional rock, and when it comes to me, I can't help but tear up when other people do. So this day was - not gonna lie - very emotional. When I spoke my toast, when I said good night and hugged them one last time.

So this is the hardest part of the exchange year, if you think about it. It might seem like it would be adjusting to all this, which was way harder than I ever thought, trust me, but after all, this is. Right now. All this. I had no idea what I had gotten myself into. This is basically set up for our hearts to break. The worst part is, that, all this time that I had missed my family and friends back home, I was excited for the day I would see them again. And I don't mean to offend anybody with this, but now is actually the worst time to leave. A few weeks back, I was still excited for back home, to see everyone again, it was bittersweet, because I also didn't want to leave. But now, that it got closer and closer to the day of me leaving my American life, I have realized that right now, it's literally the best it's ever been, and that (sorry, but), I don't even want to go, go back home if that means I have to leave this. Forever. (Forever meaning that if I came back and visit, it would never be the same, like right now, I wouldn't be in school, people will have moved on). My tears kill all my excitement. I don't want it to be over yet. I don't want it to be done with. I can't even express how much I will miss this. Or start to tell what all I will miss, because that could go on forever.
And the frustrating part is, that everyone back home is excited to have me back, as the one that left about a year ago. But I'm not that person anymore. I know they will try and understand, but since nobody has been here with me, they cannot even fathom what this all means to me. Through my blog they know what I've done and experienced. But they don't know my true feelings, my real struggles, my pains, who mattered to me the most this year, or what has, and how much that did. The people I leave here and bawl my eyes out for because I cannot possibly imagine that we don't get to make memories together no more, they're just names for everyone back home. Or faces. And that's okay. But that leaves me with the pain of living in between two worlds and not being able to be purely content because half of my heart will always be on the other side of the ocean.
They always say that, your exchange year is the best year of your life, without a doubt, and the worst, without a doubt. So far.
But I never really understood why it would be the worst. It has certainly been the best year of my life. And I knew it was gonna be hard. But I seriously had no idea what I had gotten myself into. So now, it was the toughest, and also hardest year of my life so far. But I wouldn't necessarily say it was the worst. Just because, it all belongs together, it all builds up the experience. The bad times make the good ones even better. And even though there were times where I was just in complete desperation, I don't think I want to say it was the worst.
I also would have never thought how perfect everything would turn out. Especially throughout the darker times. I would never have imagined that in the end, I cannot complain about anything, everything is just like I wanted it to be all along. And I'm thankful for everyone who is part of the reason that makes me not want to leave.
It will be the weirdest thing ever, I got so used to seeing all my closest friends here every single day, and you might think that it was the same when I got here, but it really wasn't, just because I knew I was gonna come back to it. Here. Not so much. Half of my closest friends are here in Muskegon, and the other half are dispersed somewhere around the world. And I know we're never going to come back altogether the same way we are now.
What I'm eventually trying to say or prove is, this is the saddest and hardest thing I have ever done in my life, I am highly emotional and all of this, it breaks my heart. It hurts. I can feel it.

I could write on forever, but it could never live up to what I'm feeling exactly.
And I was also supposed to get a lot of sleep before I fly eastbound, but oh well. How could I possibly sleep. I should get some dramamine for the flight.

I love you all, just saying.
No matter what I'm feeling right now, I truly missed everyone from back home and I am excited to see you guys, too, just not right now in this moment, if you can understand.
And to any fellow Americans, I love you. Thanks for making my year so awesome, fun, amazing, beautiful, special, memorable and unforgettable. You guys mean the world to me.

Goodbyes are not forever, they simply mean that I will miss you until we see each other again. Sound good?

Love always,
Helena